Finifugal used to simply be one of those pretty words that sounded cool if one of my english friends used it in a sentence. Little did I know that this word, that sounded like some or other Asian dish in one of Eastbound's stories, would gain meaning and reveal one of my hearts greatest fears. It is used to describe a person who fears endings, who tries to avoid the final moments of a story, relationship or some memorable journey. Someone who runs from goodbyes and prolong the ending of a good book.
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The empty streets of Bethlehem were filled with a quiet novelty that danced in the gentle orange splashes as the sun rose over the birth town of my Saviour.
"Prove to me that your God is not dead!"Â Â The straight forward, nearly aggressive demand of the stranger in the shopping center kept ringing through my ears... Who are you to claim that your god is the only True God, the only Living God?! You have the Bible, I have the Koran, you have faith, I have science. Prove to me that what you believe is the Truth!My insides cringed for a moment, my all too cozy corner of inferiority and self belittlement called out in the sweetest of voices, reminding me of exactly how far my knowledge falls short of a convincing answer. Yes, for a little while my heart got tucked in under the familiar and comfortable blanket of guilt. I found myself wishing I've spent more adult-hours studying apologetics or arming myself with better verses to at least try and defend myself, defend my faith and most importantly defend my God!Oh, but how foolish have I been!ÂÂ As if... as if the Creator of the universe is in need of one of His creatures to try and defend Him! As if the Father of Lights is helplessly depending on one of His children to fight for Him, with nothing more than utterable words!The voice of the Most High God roared through the chambers of my soul with a whisper surer than my guilt. This roar emanated from one starry night when I first cried out to a God, whom I only knew from hearsay.ÂÂ It started as a desperate spark but it soon became an atomic explosion of love and righteousness devouring my sinful ways. It completely annihilated my sick desire to create a satisfying life through made-up truths and colorful lies.It gave my meaningless existence beautiful purpose, fulfilling me in the deepest of ways!Can I prove that my God is the only true God, that He is not dead? With clever arguments an well constructed evidence.... No, I can not.BUT I know that I know that I am not the same person that I was before I met Jesus Christ! That I am not the same person that I was yesterday! Since He became Lord of my life I learned how to forgive, to give; I learned how to love beyond the limits and boundaries that my humaness so logically tried to construct.ÂÂ I used to be addicted to affirmation and attention - I am not anymore.I used to seek my identity in fleeting pleasures - I do not anymore.I used to compare myself up to a point of hating myself - I do not do that anymore.ÂÂ My heart was made new and daily I can see how Father God loves on me in a way that changes me. Joy and patience takes the place of jealousy and frustration, harshness and bitterness turns into gentle compassion and understanding grace - for myself and others.I find myself dreaming dreams that goes beyond myself: loving the world's most unloved people, wanting to to surrender my all to serve the unwanted and forgotten of our time.The truth is that I am not telling you this to make you feel guilty or to exalt myself. I know that I know that I am a sinner, utterly deserving of punishment and hell.But somehow, in ways that I don't know how to explain or even understand, God chose to save me into a relationship with Himself!And though I still sin daily and fail to live according to His Word, He still chooses to save me from my sinful ways, without me "wanting to be a better person" or even "trying to do good". He communes with me in colorful moments, calling me His very own. Oh, He gently talks to me, soothing my fears away by never forsaking me, walking with me, being with me...loving me more that my earthly capacity can bear.Can I prove that my God is alive? No I can not. BUT He was more than capable to prove Himself to me, and He is able to prove Himself to you as well!Look at me and gaze upon what He has done! Listen to my story and see the God that stands behind every good thing in my life.ÂÂ ÂÂ Come, and see that I AM THE PROOF that He is alive!ÂÂ "They shall walk after the Lord. He will roar like a lion. Then His sons shall come trembling from the west..."Hosea11:10ÂÂ #