This year has been a journey of victories. One such victory is finally finding my identity in Christ. This sounds quite elemental. And it is; but it is also a huge victory that I celebrate.
This journey of identity actually started 3 years ago, when the Father made me aware of my insecurities and fears. As an answer to this problem I tried identifying the lies in my foundations. Because insecurities are in essence lies in our foundations. But it was tiring work. And replacing these lies with Biblical truths proved just as difficult.
I was aware of the basis lie that I had to prove myself, for I am not good enough. I had to impress people. Win their effection. Or they might reject me. So I started finding my worth in other's opinions of me. I feared people, rejection and not being man enough. This left me hating myself. Now none of this was in my concious thoughts and reasoning, but rather in the back of my mind, playing a role in every decision I made.
It came to the point that before I would meet up with my friends, go to a party or a social event I would cram verses into my head as ammo for when the lies and insecurities struck, as it always did. But this technique rarely worked. It was very frustrating, knowing about this big problem that rendered me unable to stand up for what I believe or to say no in pressure situations, yet I could not change it.
Then came this year of Global Challenge. I was excited to see healing and restoration, and sure enough, looking back now, I can see the Lord's work this year.
In our first country, China, I started with a book called Wild at Heart. The Father used this book greatly in my heart, revealing my passions, wounds and insecurities. Travel a month forward to India, and I found myself beating the hotel room wall with my fists because this battle felt very much unproductive and useless. The progress just felt too slow and renewing my mind seemed impossible. It felt like I had tried everything. But the Father picked me up again at that point and told me the end is near.
The next country had another breakthrough. In Thailand the Father gave me a new revelation of the cross and my identity (my previous blog). This was crucial in renewing the mind, and these words even proved to help other people. But there was still something missing.
Another month later, in Australia, and I was again crying before the Lord, because this struggle was an impossible mountain yet again. Being so aware of something in your daily living, but not being able to change it at all was painfully frustrating. One day at church a man, overflowing with love and wisom, asked me what the Lord was busy with in my life. And I answered "Identity", as I had been answering the past few years whenever a similar question arose. His answer to this statement, looking rather perplexed, was: "What is the identity of a dead man?". I was speechless.
Later that day, at the same church another man asked me again what the Lord was busy with in my life. This time, in response to my answer, he prayed for me. As a spiritual father and also an earthly father of his own children, he took me by the shoulders, looked me in the eyes and told me that I was infact a man. He told me I am a warrior and that I should stand on my mighty legs as a man of God. I will not try to explain the significance of this to you, but know that it was infact needed.
After that day the Father opened up Gal 2:20 for me. And in the following few weeks my identity came to a secure point for the first time. It is ironic that the scipture saying "it is no longer I who live" would seal my identity. But that is also the secret to it.
Why do we build up what Christ crucified on the cross? Somehow, in knowing that "it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life that I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" , sealed my identity.
Now, for the first time in a while, I can focus on loving others, because I now love myself. I can now have an external focus again rather that just focusing on improving myself the whole time. I can move into what the Father has instore for me, because I know now who I am.
I am so greatful for what the Lord did! Traveling with God from China to Australia, the end result being able to love myself. And now that I am in Africa I can lose myself in new discoveries about God, myself and what the future might look like.
"...You split the sea so I can walk right through it. You drowned my fears in perfect love. You rescued me so I will stand and sing. I am a child of God... "